Boggled by the challenge of choosing from among all your excellent poems, we found a celebrity judge to do the deed — Clarinda Harriss, a Towson State University English professor and poet.
Her favorite poem? Jennifer Bishop’s sonnet. Harriss called it “the hands-down, sans-question winner. She chose an excellent model (With Shakespeare you can’t go wrong/when penning a parody-song) and made something very clever on its own. Sonnets rule! This one rules!”
Here are her other favorites. (Poets, please email baltimore.brew@gmail.com to discuss which $25 gift card you prefer: Target, Best Buy, Toys R Us, Giant, Big Boyz Bail Bonds. Well, maybe not that last one.)
by Matt:
Sheila’s boy toys gave
Some Gift Cards for tiny tim
BAH HUMBUG! She Roared.
by Steve:
We once railed against a Dick Nixon,
Now we’re just stuck with a Dixon;
Corruption falls hard.
Like a stolen gift card;
But for developers it’s all in the fix’n.
by Aaron:
Low cost crimes alleged
Millions spent to uncover
Party politics.
Congrats to Jennifer, Matt, Steve and Aaron — and everyone who contributed! Harris was tough, especially on the limerick writers.
“I don’t think most people realize that a good limerick is hard to find (and a bitch to write) because, as far as I know, it’s the only one of the so-called Traditional Forms whose strict rules apply to every single syllable!” she wrote. “One rhythmic slip or off-rhyme and the whole thing tanks. There were some good tries in the batch, though.”
To read the rest of the entries (including Jennifer’s card-winning take-off on Shakespeare’s Sonnet #116) read on. Was the Bard compensated for his poems? Never with a Target gift card, it’s safe to say!
by Jennifer Bishop
Let me not to the court of true minds
Admit guilt. Money is not much
When in the form of gifted plastic finds
Its way to my own pocket as such.
O no! He is easily mistaken
That looks on human nature, knowing
Public servants have often taken
Another’s worth unknown, showing
Shattered values and constituents betrayed.
O! Other vices claim us. Like the shame
Of sex, addiction, or leadership strayed
For embezzlement of greater gain.
But petty theft from children is scandal
Not common sense nor even I can handle.
by Steve
In a town that once welcomed Fila,
We’re now all focused on Sheila;
While by votes she was elected,
Now she’s rejected;
As a monster similar to the Gila.
by DC Merkle
Twinkle, twinkle Baltimore Mayor!
How I wondered how you dare,
Spending gifts cards for the poor,
Spending them as if they were yours.
Ronald Lipscomb was you beau!
Gave you bribes, way to go!
Wanted tax breaks from the city,
Gave you a mink coat, what a pity.
Had the gift cards for the needy.
Your eyes got big and then you got greedy.
Bought raspberries and an X-box,
You thought you were one shifty fox.
by Skeptic
State prosecutor
Looked for bribes, found Best Buy cards.
Epic fail, Rohrbaugh?
After four years of investigation,
You’ve become B’more’s big sensation.
And the defense, you’re too innocent to steal?
Come on people! Let’s get real!
D.O.C. is waiting for you.
You should learn some jailhouse blues.
Come on Dixon, we’re not stupid.
It’s really clear, you obviously blew it!
by Scotty
While Shelia is getting her day
Poor Lipscomb and Turner both bray,
“The woman’s a tool.
Never says ‘Thank you!’
For cards from Best Buy and Target.”
by aaron
There once was a mayor named Sheila
Who with gift cards was a pretty big dealer
She dealt them real well; had some dates with a swell
Now she’s at the whim of a squealer
by afh
Though i hail from the city of sin,
and don’t know of l’affaire Dixon,
new yorkers like me
think the sum was quite wee
to merit its own poetry.
we all watched the wire with glee,
it was worse than our own misery,
you’ve set a high bar
sheila’s so under par,
you need scandal that’s much more bizarre.
by Usha Nellore
The tale of one city–November 2009
She had beaus aplenty.
When she crooked her finger,
Men galore came ashore for her-
Across the seven seas,
Bearing fur–
and gift cards for the poor-
But alas, too soon, the cookie crumbled-
Where her majesty on stiletto heels,
reigned supreme–
in Baltimore–the courts convened and charged her,
with lowly theft-favors taken-favors given
to lovers and members of her retinue-and as the world observed with furrowed brows,
plotting her retribution–she took on the regal aspect of a woman above the picayune preoccupation of her prosecutor–
(A man insensitive to her mayoral call of duty)
She asked, “How was she to know that the charade of men-
who came and went from her life-one of them with a wife-are such low breeds that they would
give her gifts not meant for her but for others?
Is that a normal mode of gifting? O please!
How insulting to make her a conduit for the poor,
Naturally she concluded, being from a higher pedigree,
That she could purchase for herself an X box and
a camcorder-
(it was a breeze,in and out of Best Buys)
with the cards left in her custody.
Now back with his wife he lies, the low life,
His lips comb the prosecutor’s feet,
He calls her a freeloader, even worse a thief,
beyond belief!
Why is it wrong to give gifts from a lover by one name to a lover by another?
That is not cheap-that is green-an inconvenient truth-
Whosoever says she stole from the poor is a brute without a heart for the poor who love her so,
Are they running away the poor? Where can they go?
They already have their best and biggest gift– no fuss or fanfare,wrap or bow,
They have her–Dixon–their mayor,
Pretty soon she’ll be back at her games and chores,
The city of Baltimore once more hers-to kiss or cuddle, own or spurn,
Trusting less and praying more,
With Anthony her ?loyal? newest beau,
Romance taking backseat to the lord,
No one ever whispering gift or card,
Pretty soon she’ll be back at her games and chores,
When the curtains fall on this curious show,
And the acrobats have all gone home,
It’ll be business as usual in Baltimore!”
Many thoughts kept whirling in her head,
As Rohrbaugh the prosecutor roared,
“To steal from the needy that’s unspeakable!”
In her notebook she jotted her mode of escape,
Hoping Superman would brush her face with his cape,
And Judge Sweeney, he nursed his head in his hand,
Wishing to be banished from that la la land,
The show was vintage Baltimore,
A farce to make the Raven quoth, “Never more!”
And John Waters weep that his very own Divine,
Was nearly normal by a mile!
by Robert L
To be or not to be
Innocent or guilty
The witch hunt has began
False witnesses and developers
Ran from the stand,for the lack of a plan
Giftcards?!,be for real
Thats hardly a reason for Sheila to steal
Try politics as usual if you may
The truth shall stand
And Sheila will have her day.
by Aaron
Mayor is on trial
A jury of peers decides
Is there justice here?
by Virginia
For gifties, our Mayor likes a card -
A present that’s easy, not hard.
Whether she got them mixed,
Or her relationships fixed,
Now forever her record is scarred.
by A Baltimoron
Hey Sheila! You caused quite a row
as a corrupt and gluttonous sow
while gifts for the needy
Were used by the greedy
Which foot is the shoe on right now?
by Susan
It’s not the first time in our state
the government’s gone astray:
a bribery here, racketeering there,
all these and more, you say.
So what’s the big deal this time ‘round,
when corrupt officials reign?
There really is no difference, hon,
just another Maryland stain.
Remember Marvin’s mail fraud scheme
and Agnew’s unpaid tax?
Those guys were caught and paid the price.
The law can’t be relaxed.
I know Ms. Dixon loves her town.
You can see it in her face.
But once again, this place we live
is injured by disgrace.
by Aaron
jury wrangles long
mayor’s peers sit in judgement
trial by the press
by Jesse
Our fair Sheila D
Trial is up in the air
An embarrassment
by Nance Loughrey
She told us corruption in Baltimore was through
as she stood at the council and waved her shoe.
She is much more than a sound bite on the evening news. That proves to be true with her latest ruse.
Sound she made, like a flock of geese, when questioned about keeping her pay increase.
The city that reads has seen its share of trouble, with the Dixon Vixon it has doubled.
Memories of the first African American female mayor will linger, because she gave her constituents the finger.
For the meeting at the White House she was told not to attend, which makes us look at the rules she will bend.
Innocence she cries the tears of the greedy, as she stands accused of stealing from the needy.
With gift cards in hand she went to Best Buy.
Now she stands in front of the jury with a lie.
Guilty or innocent, her career will end. The greedy, selfish image she just can’t mend.
by John
She’s known as our Mayor,
and sometimes a payer,
yet the defense knows what is best
and comes to a rest
without Dixon as a sayer!
by Peter Tocco
We sometimes scald our eyes on scandal.
Instead of reassuring news and views,
We get news too hot to handle!
This latest Brew involves Ms. Dixon,
For, unlike queens who liked fantastic
Gifts of gold by the metric ton,
Ms Dixon wants her gifts in plastic!
Sealed in envelopes without a mark.
Men who wanted her affection
Had to send their presents in the dark,
in ways that would evade inspection.
But temptation lay in those purloined cards.
She redeemed them on her personal toys!
Now she’s on trial, surrounded by guards,
With reporters making smoke and noise,
About a whole new category of scandal,
a brand new way to abuse our trust,
To which Nixon couldn’t hold a candle.
So sad, this tale of disgust,
Yet there is none who can deny,
The Brew and Sun were all too grateful.
With readership at all time highs!
- In addition to teaching at Towson U, Harriss is co-editing an anthology called HOT SONNETS comprising outstanding, serious writers’ EROTIC sonnets, maybe including a couple of my own.
